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One time, to be good I did my sadhana almost five, seven days fasting with coconut milk in the cave - amazing strict diksha, facing lot of health problems. I suppose to receive something great experience. I suppose to connect the Mother and receiving something what I want it. It didn't happen. I'm super depression, kind of heartbroken really hating on Baba and self-doubt, left out from the divine - super painful heart, irritable. Then from the cave I came down to the temple, I laid down on my bed, there's hundreds of students, different people waiting for me. They want to tell their problems. I know what is my problem … on the 41st day there's a law - I should receive the results, I should connect the Mother. I should receive what I wanted - it didn't happen. Where is the mistake?
I took the Palm Leaf book, myself I chanted the mantra, again I checked it… anywhere I mispronounced? No. It's not one day, two days, it's 41 days, almost sixteen, eighteen hours a day meditation. Already I connected Her many times and I proved it. Why this time it didn't happen? It's super squeezing part. You have no idea that squeezing - better to take Samadhi. I hate myself. I just take off the soul. I told it to my boys where is that Shvia Cave in the ashram, the first place I want to be leaving, closing the temple with construction, with Jiva Samadhi. I told them, "Dig the hole." "Why Swami?" "Dig it, I need to go." That's one of final stroke what I need to hit Her. If it didn't happen it means it's super failure the process. Let me come next lifetime hit it again. There's no chance again this lifetime I can hit.
So that's the biggest heartbroken I did my life. They dug the hole fifteen feet. Then whole village, everybody's talking about, “Swami's not talking to everybody. He's little up and down. He’s talking little diplomatic." So I decided to take off. Before me to take off, I need to do the rehearsals. If I enter in the hole, if I send it, it didn't go, what is my position? Then I'm near fire-pit, I left, halfway left - seven hours. I did pradakshana Penukonda. I needed to come back to my body. Guess what? The big boss entered in my body. I don't have permission to get in there. I'm very serious. I begged, "At least I don’t' have my body to get in there? Why you're torturing me?"
That's called Parakaya Pravesh, that yoga what I'm planning to do Shiva Ratri in the water two days. Next to Dwarkamai there's a tank. Sit in the water. From the point the globe is going to look at me. “Who's this guy?" The big boss is in my body. If it's two hours delay, it's impossible I can handle my body coming back. I’m standing near my body begging. He's smiling, “Anyhow, you decided to die, why you want to come back to your body?" “Well I didn't get what I wanted,” “That's a stubborn character.” And he asked, "You don’t' want to do my seva?" I said, "No." He got really angry, really angry. "Hang around as a kind of sprit. That's one millions times more horrible than being in the body, one millions times horrible than in the body.” Ah-oh, no way! Then I begged, “Please.” He left. I entered. Then I found what I really missed in the process… Always feeling I'm the right - that's the most danger. That's the most danger.
Ok, I accept. Then I went to his feet, completely surrendered. That night I slept on his feet, the statue - I put my head sleeping. Without my notice, tears for three hours, four hours nonstop coming. It's not sad, it's not happy, it's something else - you can't express that. How blessed I am and what I'm going to do? What is my job? I know my job but how long how far? That's my questions. I'm happy to work. Like that that night in the deep trance I slept. And I got what I wanted. I got it. The next morning I'm like super active person, going to the workers, talking to them. It's kind of little psychiatric patient dancing. Then I took my job very seriously - working.
I took the Palm Leaf book, myself I chanted the mantra, again I checked it… anywhere I mispronounced? No. It's not one day, two days, it's 41 days, almost sixteen, eighteen hours a day meditation. Already I connected Her many times and I proved it. Why this time it didn't happen? It's super squeezing part. You have no idea that squeezing - better to take Samadhi. I hate myself. I just take off the soul. I told it to my boys where is that Shvia Cave in the ashram, the first place I want to be leaving, closing the temple with construction, with Jiva Samadhi. I told them, "Dig the hole." "Why Swami?" "Dig it, I need to go." That's one of final stroke what I need to hit Her. If it didn't happen it means it's super failure the process. Let me come next lifetime hit it again. There's no chance again this lifetime I can hit.
So that's the biggest heartbroken I did my life. They dug the hole fifteen feet. Then whole village, everybody's talking about, “Swami's not talking to everybody. He's little up and down. He’s talking little diplomatic." So I decided to take off. Before me to take off, I need to do the rehearsals. If I enter in the hole, if I send it, it didn't go, what is my position? Then I'm near fire-pit, I left, halfway left - seven hours. I did pradakshana Penukonda. I needed to come back to my body. Guess what? The big boss entered in my body. I don't have permission to get in there. I'm very serious. I begged, "At least I don’t' have my body to get in there? Why you're torturing me?"
That's called Parakaya Pravesh, that yoga what I'm planning to do Shiva Ratri in the water two days. Next to Dwarkamai there's a tank. Sit in the water. From the point the globe is going to look at me. “Who's this guy?" The big boss is in my body. If it's two hours delay, it's impossible I can handle my body coming back. I’m standing near my body begging. He's smiling, “Anyhow, you decided to die, why you want to come back to your body?" “Well I didn't get what I wanted,” “That's a stubborn character.” And he asked, "You don’t' want to do my seva?" I said, "No." He got really angry, really angry. "Hang around as a kind of sprit. That's one millions times more horrible than being in the body, one millions times horrible than in the body.” Ah-oh, no way! Then I begged, “Please.” He left. I entered. Then I found what I really missed in the process… Always feeling I'm the right - that's the most danger. That's the most danger.
Ok, I accept. Then I went to his feet, completely surrendered. That night I slept on his feet, the statue - I put my head sleeping. Without my notice, tears for three hours, four hours nonstop coming. It's not sad, it's not happy, it's something else - you can't express that. How blessed I am and what I'm going to do? What is my job? I know my job but how long how far? That's my questions. I'm happy to work. Like that that night in the deep trance I slept. And I got what I wanted. I got it. The next morning I'm like super active person, going to the workers, talking to them. It's kind of little psychiatric patient dancing. Then I took my job very seriously - working.
